Rebuilding Trust with a Man That has Cheated on You
Do you feel he constantly lies to you? Do you find yourself in a constant battle trying to decide if what’s coming out of his mouth is the truth?
Unfortunately, a lot of women find themselves in relationships with someone they feel they can’t trust. They find themselves always trying to figure out what their man is up to.
Things like watching him as he texts, trying to see his caller ID on his cell phone, asking a lot of questions about where he’s been, listening in on his conversations and doing drive by’s to see if he’s really where he suppose to be, seems to be a daily part of the relationship.
But is this a way to live? Is this a way to truly be happy with someone?
Rebuilding Trust with A Man That’s Cheated on You
If you are in a relationship where you feel like you can’t trust your man because he cheated on you, you need to ask yourself some questions such as; why are you still with him? Is what you’re getting out of the relationship worth the fight? How many times have you forgave him only for him to continue to be dishonest?
To really understand how to deal with him and these questions, you’ll have to understand what kind of person you are dealing with.
The “Honest” man & “Dishonest” man
You usually come across 2 kind of cheaters. Those that will lie about cheating because they want to continue doing it and those that will come clean with the truth about cheating because they want to stop.
Let’s discuss these 2 types of individuals:
The “Dishonest” man
If you rebuild trust with the “dishonest” man that says “I’m not cheating”, and you give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a second chance, your relationship moving forward will be built on a lie. There will be more problems down the road due to the lies and the fact he’s still cheating. However, now he’s being more careful since he feels you suspect him. Little by little the truth comes out and when you find out he’s still cheating, you are angry and upset that he has done this to you again.
Relationships built on a lie will never work.
The “Honest” Man
If you rebuild trust with the “honest” man that says “Yes I’ve cheated, will you forgive me”, and you give him the benefit of the doubt and give him a second chance, your relationship moving forward can now be built on truth. There will be less problems due to you knowing everything. Not to say there won’t be any problems because you will be dealing with the fact he did cheat. However, more than likely he won’t see the “other woman” again or break it off because he realizes it was a mistake and he doesn’t want to lose you.
Relationships built on truth can last and work.
What Kind of Man are You Dealing with?
To rebuild trust with a “dishonest” man will take some work and a lot of it. Because he will be challenged by the fact he’s been caught and may look for other ways to try to deceive you.
If you feel you want to give him a second chance. You’ll need to get him to understand that you have the truth and you can only work with him if he’s willing to work with you. You have to get him to understand too, you are willing to work on moving past this, but he’s got to come clean, so that you know he wants the same thing.
You’ll need to talk to him and see how he responds to all this. The key to rebuilding trust is that he too has to be willing to rebuild trust which can only happen where the truth is brought to the light to be dealt with. If it’s kept hidden you can not work on it. You can’t move forward until he does.
The “honest” man on the other hand, will be a lot “easier” to deal with. A man that loves you and is truly apologetic is one that will do anything to keep you.
You will need to talk to him and both of you come up with a plan on how you are going to make your relationship work. This too will take work, but when you are dealing with the truth you know you are working toward something meaningful.
So What Will Rebuilding Trust Mean for You and Him:
Talking it out. Getting unanswered questions answered. Preparing to move forward in truth and honesty.
No matter what route you go once you have gotten the truth from him, it means talking through things with your partner and finally putting to rest all the lies and all the unanswered questions.
It also means preparing yourself to come face to face with everything behind all those lies he’s been telling you. You’ll need to be able to handle the truth and not get argumentative when he may reveal somethings you been suspecting all along. True you may get heated, that’s normal, but you will need to re-frame from outbursts and the urge to jump across the table.
Your man will also need to understand since you are willing to rebuild trust , he must be totally honest and come clean about things he hasn’t been truthful about. This is the reason you must be ready to accept the truth and not become argumentative. This will probably be tough to do, but it has to be done to move forward in truth and honesty. A relationship can not heal when it is riddled with lies and mystery.
This is not to say he will need to tell you every detail and give you a play by play of all he’s done. But if you ask all the questions bothering you, he’ll need to give a honest answer to each and vice versa. This way there is nothing lingering in your head or his about anything. You can set your minds free.
He must also be willing to do things differently and let go of things that temps him to do wrong. Things like hanging out with single friends, hanging out where the temptation to do wrong is high, continued contact with an old “fling”, and being secretive are all things that need to change to help you trust him again.
Likewise, if he’s willing to change you must also be willing to do things differently to show you are in fact trusting him. If you are secretly going through his phone, drawers, emails, and other personal things for example that should stop. Then too, you’ll need to come clean about things you’ve been doing. If he asks if you went through his phone, give him the truth. Bringing things out from secrecy and into the light shows you are ready to bring it to an end.
It’s not always easy
Understand, this won’t always be easy. He and you will need to work at this, making a conscious effort to show you want something better for the relationship. You can’t just talk and hope things get better.
Even though you are not the guilty party, you do your part by supporting the decision you made which is to give a second chance if that’s what you choose. You can’t keep bring up what he did or making sarcastic remarks whenever you start feeling bad. Things won’t get better that way.
If you see that he is really trying, then likewise you should try too. That’s the thing with relationships you have to work together or not be in one at all.
Trust Yourself to Trust Him
If you two have managed to come to an understanding, trusting yourself is the first part of beginning to trust him again. When I say this, I mean, trust that you can keep your end of the bargain. If you doubt you can, then internally you’ll believe he can’t either. You can’t trust him, if you can’t trust yourself.
The two of you must work together to rebuild trust and allow healing to begin. This can be in the form of counseling, studying a self help book together, spending more quality time together, talking more, and communicating more. Things like knowing each other’s cell phone password and agreeing to not have “secret” passwords that the other can not know is always a step in the right direction to making everything feel there’s nothing more to hide.
You two will really need to work on trust like it’s a business your trying to build from the ground up to be successful. This will NOT work itself out. It must be worked on by the two people involved daily. Neither can it be one sided or it will NEVER work.
Be Understanding, But not a Weak
When it comes to 2nd chances, no one is perfect and even you make mistakes or may cause someone heartache, so understanding he’s not perfect should be taken into consideration when trying to rebuild trust.
Do not hold the past against him as you don’t want your past held against you. Move forward in a new direction where the both of you can feel a sense of renewal and change. This is the true meaning of forgiveness and moving on.
The bottom line, can’t stress this enough, is it takes 2 to make this work.
My Final Thoughts…..
When it comes to rebuilding trust, you can only do it when the truth is exposed and brought out to the light. None of this works if both parties are not in agreement on this. Neither will none of this works if the one that cheated doesn’t see the value in being honest with you to begin with.
Be smart about all this. When you give someone a second chance that hurt you more than words can describe, you are putting your feelings aside because you love them enough to do so. Love is going to play a major role in all this. It doesn’t matter if you are dealing with the “dishonest” man or the “honest man”. If he does not truly love you both situations will fall short.
Giving 3rd and 6th chances only shows the person you are dealing with see’s something in you that allows him to keep doing it. Like perhaps a weakness. So I say to you empower yourself with the right knowledge about love, so that no one can manipulate you.
You may also like to read: How Do I Now If He Loves Me . Get to know the difference between love and lust. It’s powerful when you can understand what kind of relationship you are in.
Lastly, Rebuilding trust in a relationship takes time and it may not be easy. So don’t expect it to be. Once trust is lost, regaining it is a process in it self. You’ll need to take it day by day.
Don’t expect him to make a bunch of promises. But do expect him to give it all he’s got to make the relationship work. Let his actions do all the talking.
Article by Candace Harrison
I hope you have discovered how you can rebuild trust in your relationship again.